Dreams

Last night I went to bed early with a pressure headache. I had been working outside all day so I thought maybe I got too much sun or was a bit dehydrated. I couldn’t sleep but that is nothing new. Those who are grieving often can’t sleep, or have trouble falling asleep, as our minds are full with memories and painful images that run on a loop. I drank 2 1/2 liters of water throughout the night, trying to alleviate the headache, which of course meant getting up to pee. After getting up at 3:15am I didn’t think I’d fall back asleep, but then I had a dream of Colton. He was much younger, maybe 17 or 18. The details of the dream are weird and make no sense so I won’t type them out. The highlight of the dream for me was a hug. I got one. The rest was sad, resigned and ended confusingly, I woke up with a huge gasp as I couldn’t catch my breath, and then the tears which woke Randy up concerned and upset. Then his alarm went off. And that is how today started.

It made me think this: What the hell, I was doing so well lately, several good, happy days in a row, and now this? Then I thought, I won’t let it consume me today. Sure.

Colton doesn’t visit all that often in my dreams, and I often wish that he would. I’ve come to understand that the better frame of mind that I am in, the greater the likelihood that it will happen. So, it makes sense that it happened last night.

Shortly after we returned home after his Celebration of Life, maybe a month and a half or so, he came for his first visit. He was sitting on the edge of the bed looking at me. He was wearing a red t-shirt. He was smiling a beautiful happy smile. He looked younger than 26, more like 19 or 20. He said “I’m here now”. I said “in Heaven?” He leaned toward me so I leaned toward him and he said “You smell good, I’ve missed that smell”…and then he was gone. Of course, I’m sobbing as I type this because it was SO REAL. I can still see every detail of that brief moment.

Sometimes I would think I’d hear him calling me. One night this happened and when he finally reached me I clearly heard his voice yell “Mom!” and I sat up in bed and said “What?” before I realized that it was in my head.

Coming up to the first Christmas without him, he came to me in a dream to tell me what to get for his girl as a gift. He made a motion with his hands like something was very thin, and then I saw the leather bracelet on his wrist (they wore matching ones for a while). Then he gave me a little side hug and said “I’ve gotta go now momma” and it was over. The next day I told Randy about the dream and how I saw bracelets in a shop downtown that I thought might be what he was talking about. So, we went to check it out. We walked into the little gift shop and there was a tray of several different kinds. As I picked one up I said “I wonder if this is what he meant?”. As I read the engraving I had to laugh because in all one word it said “absofuckinglutely”, so I bought it and that was that. Later when I gave it to her and told her of the dream, she said “that sounds like him”.

When the pandemic was a few months along and the fear was intense, I was working on the front lines for my company as the Assistant Store Manager in Calgary, Alberta. Health protocols were changing several times a day, customers were hoarding toilet paper and dry goods and were rude and fearful. It was the most stressful of times. Once during this time, Colton came to me in a dream. In the dream someone came up to me in the store and said “your son is outside crying.” I ran outside and he was sitting in a car in the parking lot. When he saw me he got out and we hugged. He said “Mom, I’m so sorry you have to work during the pandemic”. I said, “will I get Covid?” He said, “No, I’m protecting you”. Then he was gone. In the dream, some of the people could see him and some could not. It was a great feeling of comfort for me at the time. I also happen to believe that he was protecting me, and from that moment, although I followed all the protocols anyway, I never feared that I would get the virus.

There have only been a handful of visits from him. When it happens, I remember each and every detail and they stay with me. It’s not like a regular dream that you forget by the time you’ve had your breakfast. One time, it was just a young, sweet version of him that was so happy and just wanted a big, arms out hug from me. He had his bleached hair so that told me that he was maybe 10 or 11, There were no words, just a big smile and a tight warm hug. I say warm because I could feel it. And then it was over. Then I wake up and I cry and cry and it’s hard to breathe and it takes a long time to recover, but I wouldn’t trade those visits for the world. They are like precious “new” memories, if that makes sense. But man oh man, they are hard on the heart.

Sometimes I feel like he’s doing his best to get through to me. In hospice, I gave him permission to haunt me and we smiled at each other. He just said “I’ll see what I can do”. I feel like I try to get through to him every single day. But really, it’s just that there’s so much that I want to say to him or show him that I just talk to him. Out loud. I mean, why not? You never know he could be right there beside me. There’s been many occasions when our dog will sit at attention and stare at the corner of the room. I get up and look but there’s nothing there. Or, maybe he’s stopped by to hang out for awhile. It got to the point that when that happens now I just say “Hi honey”.

I remember years and years ago after Randy and I bought our first house together in Prince George, Colton told me that when we weren’t there that sometimes he liked to lay on our bed because it was so comfy and watch TV or use the computer. I told him that was weird but ok and never thought much about it. After he passed one of his friends sent me a YouTube video of he and Colton dancing around like wackos in our bedroom because that’s where the computer was and they were goofing around online. Of course it was painful and comforting at the same time. In fact, there are a collection of goofy videos that I can watch if I need to. Finding them later was like finding lost treasure, and I watched them over and over again. Less so, now, but it’s comforting to know they’re there if I need them. Then, in Alberta, Randy and I would be watching TV downstairs and we would hear someone get off of our bed and walk across the floor. We’d just look at each other and say “you heard that, right?”. I believe he’s still around. That sweet loving energy is with me. It brings me comfort and rips my heart out at the same time.

I’m sure that every bereaved parent would agree with me.