Much has been written on the topic of Grief. One of the first things you’ll find when you search the topic is the article “Five Stages of Grief by Elisabeth Kubler Ross” which are as follows:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
I believe that, for the most part, this is how it goes. However, I do not believe this to be true for Child Loss. There are simply no rules that apply to the utter devastation that this causes.
There are no hard and fast rules as to how you will deal with grief. Wouldn’t it be handy if it was the same for everyone? If we could just simply work through the steps and stages of Grief and then that’s it? It’s done! If only that was the case. Still, these guidelines are there for the masses and are of genuine benefit to people grieving all over the world.
In the Denial phase, you’re in shock. You’re trying to find a way to make it through the day. Or, you may be the one “in charge”, making decisions in the heat of the moment, organizing the funeral arrangements, family gatherings, etc., and everyone is amazed at how “strong” you are. Once the shock begins to fade, you deluge yourself (and those who will listen) with questions. As the numbness subsides, you start to really feel all of the emotions that were stuffed down to get you through those initial days, weeks or months. Remember, there is no set in stone timeline for this. Grief happens at its own pace.
Anger. There’s a lot to be angry about. Someone you love has just died. The rage that wells up within you may end up directed at the people left who are closest to you, your mate, best friends, family, doctors, even God. The feeling of anger is really ugly icing that covers up a cake of pain. It’s useful for a while, but once it dissipates, you’re left with the pain to deal with.
Bargaining. Here is where you dwell in a sea of “what ifs”, promising anything including switching places with your loved one in order to save them. Promising to do whatever it takes to turn back the clock and change the outcome. What if I’d paid closer attention to what was happening, maybe we could’ve found the Cancer sooner, maybe we could’ve found an alternative treatment? Guilt and Bargaining go hand in hand, A sick feeling in the pit of your stomach that makes you believe that somehow this is all your fault. Although these feelings are a normal part of the process, they can really set you up for a world of hurt, and can lead you straight in to the next phase…
Depression. This is where you feel like you’re hitting rock bottom, as if there is no reason to go on. Reality is settling in, that your loved one is truly gone. You may feel like you are losing your mind, but it must be said that depression during the grieving process is not Mental Illness. It is the normal reaction to how it feels when we lose someone that we love. It would be enormously unusual to not feel depressed when someone you love dies.
Acceptance. Not to be confused with “I’m over it”, or “I’m ok now”. It’s simply accepting the fact that you’ve lost someone that you love and you are now completely aware that this loss is permanent. It will likely mean that you will start having more good days than bad days. In time, you’ll want to re-establish relationships that have seemed ‘on hold’, meet new people or simply realize that your life is different now and there are still things that you are able to learn and enjoy.
I don’t think that these stages always flow in a straight line. You may zig, then zag and zig back again for as long as it takes. Also, not all grief is the same. People grieve over not only losing a loved one, but over losing a family pet, a job, a friendship, a marriage and so on.
Then there are those of us who have been truly thrown into the fire, those of us who have lost a child. There are so many of us around the world, yet, on any given day it feels like we’re all alone and struggling to live without this essential part of our being. I believe that our approach to healing has to be as unique and different as the beautiful child that we lost.
My thoughts on grief are different than much of this post, and I’ve shared those thoughts in the article titled My Thoughts on Grief.