I’ve seen marriages fall apart because of child loss. There are varying articles online but the average is 16%. One spouse just can’t handle the changes in the other. Their world has crumbled and their dreams have shattered. They have no clue how to comfort each other, or themselves. One may blame the other, or themselves. Yet, somehow life keeps chugging along like nothing happened, like the one you love most in the world hasn’t died and left you broken. The bills still need to be paid, chores need to be done. The day to day responsibilities don’t just take care of themselves. You lived through the initial shock of death. Now you have to begin to deal with life somehow. If you ever needed your mate this would be the time.
My husband has been nothing short of amazing during this entire journey of loss with me. He was an amazing Step-Dad to Colton for the ten years that he knew him. He has been there for me with 100% non-judgmental support since Colton passed.
During the 6 weeks that I was staying in Prince George with Colton, Randy had to drive back and forth several times to Alberta for work and to look after our lives there. I never heard one negative thing come out of his mouth for the hardship that he was enduring. He felt bad leaving me, worrying constantly about everything but knowing that I was in good hands staying with my best friend and that I was being where I needed to be.
I’m sure he wondered how different I would be “afterwards”. I mean, he certainly didn’t sign up for this! (unless you believe that we all choose our journey before we are born based on the lessons we feel we need to learn and the things that we’d like to experience, but that’s a different blog).
I have relied heavily on my husband for support. There were lots of days where we just existed together, curled up with snacks watching tv. He would cook when I was unable to get up. He would never let me see how much he must’ve been grieving also. He’s shown me the kind of love that from the core of my being I never thought I’d experience. He’s held me when I couldn’t carry my own weight. He’s listened to me sob my heart out on countless occasions, often saying “it’s ok to cry” or “I know, it just hits you”. He’s never made me feel anything except supported and loved, and for that I am eternally grateful.
Being a bereaved parent is the hardest thing that life can throw at you. It is the curveball of all curveballs. The last thing I would wish on anyone is to do it all alone. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of times I feel alone. A part of me is now missing. But it’s the strength that I get from knowing that Randy is here with me to help me along on this journey that makes me think I can actually survive this…even thrive. But that still feels like a stretch, depending on the day.
Ultimately, we found out that we need each other. That together is far better than apart could ever be, no matter what happens. We are closer now in many ways as we weather this storm together than we have ever been. Our plans for the future are different than they were before Colton left.
I had to re-read that last line, then stop and think. I never thought there would ever be future plans made that did not include my son, and now there are.
If you’re reading this and you are a bereaved mother, I hope you have a Randy in your life.
If you’re my Randy and you’re reading this, I love you more than you’ll ever know, and thank you for being my stronghold, my rock.
